THIS RETRO BUSINESS: Saturday Night’s Main Event #5 – March 5, 1986

This was the final month on the run-up on THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA 2!
Mr. T is seen hitting a punching bag as Gene narrates that Mr. T is, indeed, hitting a punching bag. Mr. T calls Gene FOO’ and tells him to GETOUTTAHERE while he punches his bag.
SNME Titles.
We are LIVE(!) from Phoenix, Arizona!
Vince and Jesse are the guys on the mic.
We’ve got the WWF Title on the line as well as the WWF Tag Titles on the line. Also, ANOTHER music video, which is unfortunate.
Apparently, Bob Orton will face Mr. T in a boxing match in the lead-up for T’s match at WrestleMania against Piper.
We get clips from the segment on Piper’s Pit when Hogan put Mr. T up against Orton in his “Open Contract Challenge”.
Gene has Orton and Piper. They mock T because he hung out with Boy George, then make fun of his mohawk.
Backstage, T gets his hands taped up and we see him sparring and going insane, trying to knock out his sparring partner. Gene approaches Clubber Lang Mr. T who says he doesn’t care about anything. He don’t wanna hear about no PIPER! He takes chumps out. Also, he has a staff with a boxing glove taped to it.
MATCH #1: Mr. T vs. “Cowboy” Bob Orton (w/ “Rowdy” Roddy Piper) in a Boxing Match
ROUND ONE
Orton attacks T from behind to start things. Orton pushes T into the corner and the two trade some pretty good shots. Orton eye gouges Mr. T as Orton taunts T. T absolutely starts destroying Orton before the bell rings. The round ends and Orton hits the ref which is so stupid because the ref just allows it to happen.ROUND TWO
Orton is acting dumb as fuck which is SO Orton. He hops all over the ring, kicks at T, then starts manhandling him. He grabs T and goes to Piper but Piper hits his own guy. T absolutely wallops Orton, knocking him out of the ring and Orton gets “counted out” which is a rule in boxing.

WINNER: Mr. T via countout
RATING: DUD. Oh, this was just bad on every single level.

Post-match, Piper gets in the ring and challenges Mr. T, who tells the ref to leave the ring. Orton intereferes and the two men gang up on him. Piper grabs a leather belt and whips Mr. T across the back as Orton holds him in place. T’s team grabs anything they can find and push Orton and Piper from the ring. What, no Boxing Staff of Power?

Gene has T and he’s pissed as hell. Piper’s dirty. Orton’s dirty. He don’t like that.

Bundy is in action tonight and Gene interviews him and Heenan. Bundy is suddenly only able to say three words and end each sentence with “HOGAN”. Heenan wants Bundy to get a title shot.

MATCH #2: Steve Gatorwolf vs. King Kong Bundy (w/ Bobby “The Brain” Heenan)
Bundy clubs Gatorwolf, chops him, elbows him, and hits the Avalanche, then demands the ref count to five instead of three. Done.
WINNER: King Kong Bundy via Avalanche
RATING: DUD. Steve Gatorwolf would later drop the “Gator” portion of his name and become…STEPPENWOLF…these are the jokes, people.

Post-match, Bundy grabs a mic and shouts something about Hogan.

Gene has Don Muraco. Muraco’s angry. Everyone’s angry tonight. Muraco says Mr. Fuji has “the Flu”. Then he says Hogan is the reason for that. Gene says “it’s the Asian Flu” while Muraco says he loves “Oriental wisdom”. Heenan will be taking over tonight.

Mr. Fuji has an icepack on his head backstage.

Gene has Hogan and he ain’t afraid of no Muraco. FOO!

MATCH #3: “Magnificent” Muraco (challenger) (w/ Bobby “The Brain” Heenan) vs. Hulk Hogan (champion) for the WWF Championship
Muraco beats on Hogan, clubbing at him and even hitting Hogan’s own move, The Back Rake of Doom. Muraco tries a whip but Hogan reverses and hits a Body Drop and Back Rakes of his own. Heenan gets on the mat, so Hogan hits him, too. Clothesline on Muraco in the corner and an Atomic Drop. Muraco falls out of the ring. Hogan follows, punching away, then tosses Muraco back in. The two trade blows. Hogan no-sells most of it and gets a two count, then it’s bear hug time. Muraco breaks it with a headbutt and kicks Hogan in the ribs and then hits the Asian Spike which is neither Asian nor a spike. Kneelift by Molasses Muraco who follows up with a diving headbutt. Muraco hits a Russian Legsweep and climbs to the second buckle with the Asian Spike again. Hogan goes Hulk after a two count. You know, I have no idea how even Hogan didn’t tire of his own Hogan Finish night after night. Hogan does the boot and legdrop but Heenan interferes and we’re done.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Hulk Hogan via DQ
RATING: *. 

Post-match, Hogan grabs Heenan but Bundy shows up to beat up Hogan, hitting several Avalanches. Muraco comes in and folds Hogan’s arms like a corpse, then does the sign of the cross as Bundy lands two body splashes. The British Bulldogs show up about 10 seconds after the heels have left the ring like that perpetually late friend who arrives at dinner after everyone’s eaten and the pasta is cold and nearly gone.

After a break, Hogan’s ribs were badly damaged, so they put him in a neck brace. They put him in an ambulance and go to “the hospital”.

Next match is about to start. Gene reminds Johnny Valiant of their beating at the hands of the Bulldogs last time out. Valiant calls them Limeys. Valentine emphasizes Valiant and Beefcake actually says something this time around.

MATCH #4: The British Bulldogs (Dynamite Kid & Davey Boy Smith) (challengers) (w/ Captain Lou Albano vs. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine & Brutus Beefcake (champions) (w/ Luscious Johnny Valiant) for the WWF Tag Team Championship
Davey starts with Valentine, hitting a headbutt. Two count. Suplex and two count. Tag to Kid and they double team Valentine, getting a two count after a Kid headbutt. Valentine comes back with punches and it’s a tag to Brutus and he gets demolished almost immediately. Tag to Smith who hits a nice wristlock drop twice. Brutus manages to tag Valentine again and Valentine gets press slammed. Two count. Tag to Kid and a double headbutt. Kid chops Valentine down and drops a knee. Side Suplex by Kid and a headbutt for two. Dynamite drops a knee from the top rope and a tag to Smith. Smith hits a nice elbow and the two men go back and forth with vicious elbows. Valentine tries something else but Smith hits a small package for two. Tag to Kid but Valentine grabs Kid for a Reverse Atomic Drop. Tag to Brutus. As him and Kid fight, Albano and Valiant get into it on the floor, outside. Valentine hits the floor and so does Smith and, soon, it’s a six-man grouping outside the ring as we go to break where Vince promises “an update on Hulk Hogan”.

It’s Dogs vs. Brutus as Smith hits a huge dropkick and Body Splash for a CLOSE fall. Wow. Beefcake comes back with some kicks and stomps and it’s a tag to Valentine. They do a Wishbone Split and Valentine locks in the Figure Four. Kid comes in and stops it. Tag to Kid and he’s hitting headbutts and forearms. Valentin comes back, brawling. He goes second rope and hits a nice elbow for two. Valentine goes hits a shoulderbreaker and gets two. Tag to Brutus and he hits some knees to Kid’s gut and a HUGE stomp. VERY close fall. Tag to Valentine and he hits a Hammer Drop for two. Valentine tries the Figure Four but Kid kicks out of it. Valentine goes for the top buckle but Kid throws him to the mat and goes up top hitting a Missile Dropkick…but Valentine puts his foot on the rope. Kid hits a clothesline and it’s another two. Clothesline and ANOTHER two. Smith hits a suplex. Two count as Brutus saves the pin. It’s a quick brawl. Smith whips Valentine into the ropes and two hit heads, falling…but Valentine’s leg drapes over Smith and he gets the pin.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Valentine and Brutus
RATING: ****. This was the first great match on this show.

Mean Gene is AT THE HOSPITAL and has no idea what’s going on. He’ll keep us posted.

In a misguided tribute, Vince feels the need to subject us to a music video based on Hogan’s entrance music where Hogan pretends to play guitar. I’d rather watch my Mom and Dad going at it on an old video cassette.

Gene has Adrian Adonis with Jimmy Hart. Adonis says he loves all the small, teeny weeny people. He’s “Mrs. Adonis”. He has ALWAYS hated dogs.

MATCH #5: “Adorable” Adrian Adonis (w/ “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart) vs. Junk Yard Dog
Adonis wears scarfs like a May Day pole. JYD tosses him from post to post, then mocks him. Adonis gets tied into the ropes. Adonis gets free and JYD slings him back into the ring. Two count after a clothesline by JYD. Headbutt by JYD. That’s a first. JYD Flair Flips JYD over the top buckle. JYD attacks them both outside, then mocks them back in the ring. Hart gets involved again and Hart and Adonis are put outside again. Ref Hebner ain’t happy. After a break, JYD is pinning Adonis who gets his foot on the ropes. JYD misses a headbutt. Adonis distracts the ref and Hart ties Dog’s foot to the bottom rope. Adonis beats on JYD as Hart distracts the ref. Adonis chokes JYD and won’t stop so Hebner pulls Adonis off Dog by his hair. Adonis pins JYD for two. Ref takes a bump during a lock-up. Adonis wants the megaphone. JYD reverses the Irish Whip and Adonis gets clocked instead. JYDWINSLOL.
WINNER: Junkyard Dog
RATING: *. This was basically desert after a big meal.

Post-match, the heels attack Dog, knocking him out of the ring. Adonis throws a temper tantrum.

Gene’s back at “The Hospital” with a guy who looks like Lionel Richie’s older, tamer brother. Hogan’s got rib injuries.

We recap the Mr. T and Orton boxing match as well as Hulk Hogan’s ribs being smashed to tiny bits by Bundy. Hogan is leaving the hospital because fuck doctors.

OVERALL: **. Not bad.

Er, that’s it.

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