Hogan is drinking health shakes to start us out because he’s gotta wrestle Terry Funk tonight. Mean Gene drinks with him.
Piper and Body are poolside with a bunch of 70’s porn stars, checking out the Hillbillies through binoculars. Something’s wrong with this.
We are LIVE(!) from Tampa, Florida!
Vince McMahon & Jesse “The Body” Ventura are the guys on the mics.
- Corporal Kirchner will take on Nikolai Volkoff in a Peace Match
- JYD and Steamboat will take on Muraco and Mr. Fuji
- George “The Animal” Steele takes on Randy Savage
- Hulk Hogan will defend the title against Terry Funk
Jesse shows up and interrupts. Him and Piper will take on the Hillbillies. Vince is looking forward to this. Heenan will take his place on the mic. Awesome.
Gene is with Piper and Orton. Piper says that the Hillbillies have no idea what they’re in for. The Hillbillies come over and say they’re gonna make their family proud.
MATCH #1: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Jesse “The Body” Ventura & “Cowboy” Bob Orton vs. The Hillbillies (Hillbilly Jim, Uncle Elmer & Cousin Luke)
Elmer and Jesse start out. Ventura hits some shots in the corner but Elmer just clocks him with some huge clubbing blows, then throws Jesses into Jim’s boot. Jim gets tagged and it’s a side headlock by Jim. Jesse breaks it and tags Piper. Jim tags Luke. Piper goes for a handshake. Luke stands there and stares. Luke takes the hand and beats on Piper. Tag to Orton and a quick double team. Orton hits an elbow and tags Piper who hits a kneelift on Luke. Tag to Orton and he continues the assault. Luke fights out and it’s tag to Jesse who hits a snapmare. Tag to Piper who taunts and slaps Luke in the face. Tag to Orton and he comes down with a cast to Luke’s face. Tag to Piper but, this time, Luke drags Piper to the good corner and tags Jim in. Ref, however, disallows it because he didn’t see it. Frequent tags in and out by the heels and, THIS TIME, the tag is made to Elmer. It’s a brawl and a bearhug that devolves into a Pier Six. The heroes clear the ring. Another Pier Six happens and Jim and Piper end up being the guys in the ring. Jim puts Piper in a wristlock. Piper slaps Jim in the face and he attacks Piper, leading to the heels making quick tags in and out. Jim tags Luke after hitting a nice shot on Piper. Luke takes out Orton and Jesse and works on Piper. He goes for a slam but Piper puts on the Sleeper. It’s another Pier Six. The ref loses control and doesn’t see Orton clocking Luke in the head. Luke is out and the ref counts him out in the Sleeper.
WINNERS: Piper, Orton and Jesse
RATING: **1/2. Not bad tag action.
Jesse arrives back at the booth with Vince and Heenan. Heenan says he hopes he did a good job. Jeese yells as loud as he can about how McMahon sucks on the mic.
Meanwhile, at the water park from earlier in the show, Gene’s hanging with Jimmy Hart. They do a flashback from the last SNME when Hart got his ass branded. JYD and Hart are gonna do the big waterslide. JYD gets down first.
Jesse yells some more. He has Terry Funk. Funk wants to be on the front cover of Sports Illustrated. He’s gonna fry people with his iron.
We gets clips from the last time Hogan faced Funk for the title when Funk got DQ’ed and thought he won the belt.
Gene has Hogan who’s not happy about being “branded” with the iron. JYD will be in his corner tonight.
MATCH #2: Terry Funk (challenger) (w/ “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart) vs. Hulk Hogan (champion) (w/ Junk Yard Dog) for the WWF Championship
JYD immediately sits Hart down in a chair and watches him like a hawk. Hogan’s wearing aqua blue trunks and boots for this match. Interesting. Why is it that everyone who faces Hogan has to suddenly be an idiot and sell a bunch of bullshit? The whole first half is Funk falling out of the ring because he suddenly can’t wrestle. Funk tries to get the upper hand but Hogan comes back and whips Funk outside again, then pulls him back into the ring for a side suplex. Two count. Funk knocks Hogan down and climbs the buckle but Hogan shakes the ropes and brings him down. Atomic Drop by Hogan and a nice clothesline. Elbow Drop by Hogan. He goes for the kill but Hart pulls on Hogan’s leg as he runs by. JYD and Hogan chase Hart who hides under the ring like a squirrel wearing sunglasses. Funk uses a piece of tape to choke Hogan and puts him to the mat with a Piledriver but Hogan kicks out. Funk scrapes his boot on Hogan’s face but Hogan hulks up. Hogan fights back, hits an elbow and a Big Boot. Hart leaps on the apron with the branding iron. JYD leaps on the other side to point it out. The ref deals with JYD as Hart clocks Hogan with the iron. The ref counts two as Hogan gets his foot on the ropes. JYD knocks Funk down. Funk complains to the ref. Hogan nails him with a Lariat from behind and gets the pin.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Hulk Hogan
RATING: **1/2. Not bad action.
Post-match, Funk throws a fit, beating up the ref and tossing chairs into the ring, then he drags Hart backstage by his foot as we get a replay.
Gene’s in the ring with Hogan and tells Funk to get back here and fight. JYD proclaims himself, “Deputy Dog” for watching over Hart.
FLASHBACK: George Steele is stupid and hanging out at a zoo. Also, Mean Gene wore a safari outfit and saw him at a zoo.
Gene is hanging out with Steele, Albano and The 70’s Porn Stars at the pool.
Ventura hangs out with Randy Savage and Liz. Randy throws an absolutely frightened Liz into a pool from 15 feet in the air. Both men laugh at the top of their lungs. Misogyny is SO HILARIOUS!
MATCH #3: George “The Animal” Steele (w/ Captain Lou Albano) vs. “Macho Man” Randy Savage (w/ Miss Elizabeth)
George hits on Liz, pawing at her. Savage isn’t happy about this. What else is new? He yells at Steele, then yells at Liz (grabbing her roughly by the jaw) to the absolute delight of Ventura who encourages Savage to abuse her. Even for the 80’s, this is awful. The “match” is comprised of Steele chasing Savage, Savage chasing Steele for hitting on Liz outside and a lot of posturing. Finally, we get action with a body lock. Steele fights back and the fight spills outside. Savage uses Liz as a human shield at one point. When we get back to the ring, Steele eats a turnbuckle and then gets taken out by a top-rope double axehandle. Done.
WINNER: Randy Savage
RATING: DUD. This was terrible and the ensuing WM 2 match wasn’t any better.
Gene and Hogan are at the pool. They introduce WWF’s Year in Review: 1985. It’s, essentially, a montage of everything that happened the year before this.
Jesse’s pissed he wasn’t in the video.
Gene is with Nikolai Volkoff and Freddie Blassie. Volkoff is a little better on the mic. Iron Sheik is there to say “Russia and Iran Number One” and “Gene Mean”.
We get a clip of Corporal Kirchner with Jesse “The Body” Ventura at poolside. He’s gonna prove how macho he is by rappelling into a glistening swimming pool. He does that.
Volkoff does the Soviet National Anthem.
MATCH #4: Nikolai Volkoff (w/ “Classy” Freddie Blassie & Iron Sheik) vs. Corporal Kirchner in a Peace Match
Kirchner and Volkoff shake hands. Everything is classy and honest, I guess. That’s the whole “peace” thing. Volkoff hits a Greco Roman Takedown. Kirchner retaliates with an armbar and headlock. Volkoff begins to break the hold and the two break the hold. Volkoff hits another takedown and a Bridge Pin. Volkoff goes for a slam. Kirchner counters with a roll-up. Volkoff kicks out and we continue. Another handshake and another headlock. Volkoff runs and Kirchner puts him in a Chicken Wing Hammerlock. Volkoff breaks and Kirchner gets a Small Package for two. Volkoff drops Kirchner’s neck on the ropes and drops a big knee and we’re done.
WINNER: Nikolai Volkoff
RATING: **. Not bad, actually. Long as it needed to be.
Post-match, Kirchner is pissed and attacks both Volkoff and Sheik.
After break, it’s back to poolside. A bunch of women swarm all over Don Muraco.
Gene has Muraco and Fuji and points out that they always cheat. Just once, I’d love a wrestler to reply, “Yeah…I know. I’m a heel.”
They leave and Gene has Ricky and JYD. Ricky says they can’t beat him in the middle of the ring. JYD says something about trends and wrasslin’.
MATCH #5: Don Muraco & Mr. Fuji vs. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat & Junk Yard Dog
And we’re rounding out the show with this. Muraco and JYD start. Steamboat gets taken out by Fuji outside. Fuji just slams him on the concrete. Inside the ring, Muraco has the early advantage but JYD comes back with a body drop. He misses the headbutt and Fuji is tagged. Fuji uses “Karate” to beat up JYD who just slams him. Fuji manages to get away and tag Muraco again. Dog just slams him and get two. Muraco walks right into Steamboat who nails him, too. JYD manages to get a headbutt before a tag to Fuji. The two tag in and out quick, attacking JYD with stomps and chops. Finally, Muraco misses a corner shoulder tackle and it’s a hot tag to Steamboat who chops at Muraco and punches at Mr. Fuji who practically no-sells. Steamboat hits more chops, then a slingshot into Fuji who comes into the ring to help. Steamboat goes top rope with a Dragon Splash but Fuji kicks Steamboat during the pin. Tag to Fuji. Steamboat counters a side suplex. Fuji eats a Dog Headbutt and that’s that.
WINNER: Steamboat & JYD
RATING: **. Not bad.
Post-match, it’s a bit of a brawl with Muraco getting some more shots at Steamboat.
Vince and Jesse review the show. Jesse says it was a great night. Vince says that Hogan’s title defense was the best thing they saw. Jesse disagrees. His match was the best. They thank the audience and we go off the air.
OVERALL: **1/2. This one was pretty enjoyable which is what happens when you cut out 15 minutes of silly crap.
Er, that’s it.