So, that last one was loads of fun.
Let’s see what episode 2 has in store…
Gene has Nikolai Volkoff and Classy Freddie Blassie. Volkoff says that he’s going to beat Hogan for the title tonight but even he doesn’t sound like he believes that. Then he says he will take the belt back to Russia and “push the missile button to kill everyone in America”. What a colorful, fun character.
Hogan is with himself and a microphone because not even Mean Gene is worthy of the camera. He says he will take out Volkoff for Americans everywhere.
Also, Gene will have a Hillbilly Wedding with Hillbilly Jim and Uncle Elmer. What the hell was his appeal? Piper shows up and says something about hillbillies.
We are LIVE from the Meadowlands Arena in New York/New Jersey!
Vince McMahon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura are the guys on the mics.
We have five matches to stuff into 90 minutes:
- Nikolai Volkoff faces Hogan for the WWF Championship
- Paul Orndorff will fight Rowdy Roddy Piper
- Andre the Giant and Tony Atlas fight Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy
- Uncle Elmer will face Jerry Valiant
- Lanny Poffo and Tony Garea will face Beefcake and Valentine for the Tag Titles
Also, there’s gonna be a wedding involving Uncle Elmer and Hillbilly Jim. Body’s gonna puke.
Volkoff does the Soviet Anthem. Hogan is carrying the RED WHITE AND BLUE BROTHER!
MATCH #1: Nikolai Volkoff (challenger) (w/ “Classy” Freddie Blassie) vs. Hulk Hogan (champion) for the WWF Championship
Hogan’s in the white trunks. Volkoff attacks Hogan, tearing off his shirt and choking Hogan with it. Hogan comes back with fury, tossing Nikolai into the buckle and clotheslining him. He drops an elbow and boots Volkoff onto the timekeeper’s table. The fight spills outside and Volkoff tosses Hogan into the ringpost for the first of a couple minutes of Hogan peril. Volkoff hits a double axehandle off the buckle and a headbutt. Volkoff does a terrible press slam, practically giving Hogan a wedgie, using his tights to lift him up. Volkoff tries a Piledriver but Hogan counters with a back body drop. Volkoff comes back with more punches and a body slam. Two count. Hogan hulks up. Punches, Legdrop, done.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Hulk Hogan via Legdrop
RATING: *. But you knew that when you saw Hogan and Volkoff in the same ring.
Post-match, Hogan beats up the Soviet flag because it took too much of his TV time. Then he celebrates with the ‘MURICAN flag.
Mean Gene has Hulk Hogan. He says he taught Volkoff a lesson but, if it didn’t catch on the first time, he will speak slower. Then he calls Volkoff “Baby Doll” for some reason.
Backstage, the wedding dress is being perfected.
Gene is with Uncle Elmer and Hillbilly Jim. Elmer isn’t worried about anything tonight. Cousin Junior isn’t worried about. They all surround Gene, eye-fucking him like a single bread loaf at the buffet table.
MATCH #2: Jerry Valiant vs. Uncle Elmer (w/ Hillbilly Jim & Cousin Junior)
Aren’t you glad you clicked on this recap? Trust me. You don’t want to be me, watching this right now. Valiant runs at Elmer. Valiant slams him and pins him. Done.
WINNER: Uncle Elmer via Body Slam
RATING: DUD. Thankfully, this was short.
The time of the win is 6 seconds, according to Howard Finkel. We see a clip of King Kong Bundy’s win over SD Jones at WrestleMania for comparison purposes. Also, nobody cares because everyone only remembers KKB’s record.
Gene interviews Elmer and the Hillbillies. He says that Valiant should have never taken the coat off.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is here tonight.
Jesse Ventura is in the ring for The Body Shop, which is Piper’s Pit without a rug. He has Bobby Heenan as his guest. He says he has a bounty on Paul Orndorff because Orndorff fired him on National TV, embarrassing Heenan. He has raised the bounty to $50,000 dollars, up from $25,000. Heenan says that he will give Piper the money if he can beat Orndorff tonight.
Gene has Orndorff. Orndorff says he’s gonna beat Piper and Piper will never see the money.
Gene has Piper. He’s come here to get that money, no matter what. He says that he doesn’t want Elmer to get married because him and his wife will make “five more Elmers and who, in America, wants that?”
MATCH #3: “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff vs. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper
Piper and Orndorff face off and it’s a brawl, fast and furious. Piper manages to knock Orndorff down and rams his head into the mat. Orndorff gets up and hits punches and the two just continue to trade shots. Orndorff tackles Piper and hits shots to the head. The two tear at each other’s heads and Piper hits a DDT-style suplex. The fight moves out side and the two men use the table, ramming each other’s heads. Back in the ring, Orndorff hits an axehandle and suplex. Piper is nearly out but comes back with a kneelift. The two run into the ropes and collide. Piper gets to his feet and punches at Orndorff. Piper tries a splash but lands on Orndorff’s raised knees. Orndorff is back up and cross body’s Piper out of the ring. Piper grabs a chair and misses the shot. It’s a double countout.
WINNER: No contest.
RATING: ***. Best intensity ever. This was the Rollins/Ambrose of its time.
Post-match, the fight moves backstage. Piper goes into a room and locks the door. Orndorff bangs on the door and tries to break it down. Doesn’t work.
Back from break, it’s the wedding of Uncle Elmer with Mean Gene playing the organ. Yeesh. Ventura asks if Elmer and his wife are getting rings for their fingers or their noses. The whole thing is just cheesy. Elmer can barely repeat what is being asked of him and maybe hits one out of every four words. Also Piper shows up and objects but it doesn’t matter. Hulk Hogan threatens to kick his ass, brother. Piper leaves.
Backstage, there’s pigs and hay and chickens in the reception room.
Gene has King Kong Bundy, Big John Studd and Bobby Heenan. Heenan insults Gene’s organ skills. Gene talks back. Bundy and Studd are ready to beat up The Giant and Atlas. Heenan says a 500 pound turkey is about to be carved in time for Thanksgiving.
That match is next.
MATCH #4: King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd (w/ Bobby “The Brain” Heenan) vs. Andre the Giant & Tony Atlas (w/ Captain Lou Albano)
Giant grabs Bundy by the throat to start and then uses the strap from Bundy’s tights to choke him. He crushes Bundy in the corner and then chops at Bundy’s chest. Tag to Atlas after a double headbutt. Bundy whips him into the ropes and tackles him but misses an elbow. Headbutt by Atlas and a tag to Studd. Studd runs over Atlas, then gets a series of headbutts as Atlas takes over. He tries a dropkick but Studd backs up and Atlas falls on his ass. Studd goes for the buckles but Andre grabs him. Ref distracted, Bundy splashes Atlas. He manages to tag Andre and Studd is frightened. Andres punches and chops at him, then hits a big boot. Bundy attacks from behind. Outside, Studd rams Atlas into the ringpost, then hits the Avalanche. Bell rings. Done.
WINNERS: Andre and Atlas via DQ
RATING: *. Yup. Just what it was.
Post-match, Bundy and Studd double-team Andre. Hogan runs in to help Andre who seemed to be doing okay on his own, but whatever. Gene hops into the ring to interview the winners of the last ma–oh, no, he interviews Hogan who’s here to speak for them. Andre and Atlas just wander the ring, watching Hogan steal the spotlight.
Mean Gene is in a Safari outfit. Your argument is invalid. He wants to keep us up to date on George “The Animal” Steele. Him and Steele tour a zoo because George Steele is an animal. Get it?
Gene has Greg Valentine, Brutus Beefcake and Johnny Valiant. He refreshes their memory about their last title defense in Philadelphia when they cheated.
MATCH #5: “Leaping” Lanny Poffo & Tony Garea (challengers) vs. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine & Brutus Beefcake (champions) (w/ “Luscious” Johnny Valiant) for the WWF Tag Team Champioonship
Valentine and Poffo start out. Valentine hits some elbows and a headlock. Poffo breaks free as Barry Windham and Mike Rotundo look on. Valentine slams Poffo and it’s a tag to Beefcake who Poffo manhandles with a hip toss, dropkick and slam. Beautiful Reverse Splash gets two. Beefcake takes control and the two heels whip Poffo into the corner. Quick tags in and out as Poffo finally tags Garea. He hits a cross body for two after a nice attack sequence. Beefcake into the buckle but Garea misses his attack. Valentine hits the Figure Four on Garea and we’re done.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: Brutus Beefcake and Greg Valentine
RATING: 1/2*…but it was nice to see Lanny Poffo in a match.
Uncle Elmer’s Wedding Reception is the last bit of business on tonight’s episode. Orndorff is dressed like he’s at a sports club, Hogan’s looks like a Chippendale, Vince is wearing a cheap tux and The Body is The Body, as usual. Lanny Poffo may have been beaten but he does write a nice poem for the happy couple. Even Tiny Tim is there. Uncle Elmer wears overalls and a tie and this whole thing is like some weird dream you have where your last two ex’s and Regis Philbin show up for no reason. Ventura has his own poem which starts so nice and gets into intense beat poetry. Hogan and Orndorff approach but Hillbilly Jim pushes him into the wedding cake.
We’re back and we learn that Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant will face Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy on the next SNME — four weeks from this episode.
We go off the air as Elmer and his new wife, Joyce, dance together.
OVERALL: *. Fun show but nothing to write home about. This is better than your usual late Saturday night fare.
Er, that’s it.