Reliving Wrestlemania: Wrestlemania 21

I’m making good time here…

Wrestlemania 21 would take place in Los Angeles at the Staples Center.

The facts were these:

  • Benoit would lose the title five months later to Randy Orton who would become the youngest Heavyweight Champion of all-time at 24 years old. How long was his illustrious reign? ONE WHOLE MONTH. Why? Because Triple Hog, er, I mean H, beat him for the title. He’d hold the belt for three more months after this only to lose it in a three-way match. Actually, nobody won that day. The title was vacated because two people were pinned at the same time. So Triple H FINALLY lost the belt again. The title was vacated for two months and was fought for in the Elimination Chamber. Guess who won it? Triple H. I mean, really? FIVE TITLE REIGNS IN THREE YEARS?! Not only that, but in those three years, Triple H held the title for a full year and a half. Talk about favoritism. Triple H was in a feud with Randy Orton and Evolution. Orton tried to get the belt back but Triple H is fucking selfish and wouldn’t put anyone over successfully defended the title. Enter Batista – he won the Royal Rumble and was now qualified for a title shot. At first, he looked interested in the WWE Title, held by JBL, but turned his sights to Triple H. Triple H didn’t like this and tried to get him interested in JBL. Triple H enlisted the help of Evolution to make it look like JBL tried to run him over in the arena parking lot…but Batista overheard the plot and chose to fight Triple H at Wrestlemania. He then turned on Evolution, becoming a face, leaving Ric Flair and Triple H as the sole members of the group.
  • On the Smackdown side, Bradshaw had reinvented himself, going from paid thug with long hair to Texas gentleman who loved to invest in the stock market. He would run promos where he would hunt illegal immigrants at the Tex-Mex border. He would invent a “cabinet” of assistants and, generally, act like an ass to go over as a heel with the crowd. Anyhow, he beat Eddie Guerrero in a Texas Bullrope Match when then-General Manager Kurt Angle reversed the outcome of the match. JBL was the new WWE Champion. Every single match JBL was in would be won by some sort of interference and/or cheating. Kinda reminds me Daniel Bryan, actually. Well, needless to say, John Cena was the runner up at the Royal Rumble AND the number one contender. During a celebration JBL was having to commemorate ten whole months of holding the Championship, Big Show and Cena attacked JBL
  • Another match was Shawn Michaels and Kurt Angle, which stemmed from bad blood left over from when Michaels eliminated Angle in the Royal Rumble. Angle stated that, not only was he better than Michaels, he would do everything Michaels did and faster. He would make Sensational Sherri sing a parody of Michaels’ song but then give her the Ankle Lock after Michaels sabotaged the moment and made her cry. Needless to say, it was on at Wrestlemania.
  • Randy Orton had a new gimmick as a “legend killer”. He eliminated several older wrestlers including Mick Foley, Jake Roberts, Harley Race, Shawn Michaels, Rob Van Dam, Chris Benoit and ran into Superstar Billy Graham who convinced Orton to do what nobody else has done. Orton challenged the Undertaker to a match at Wrestlemania saying that he would end the legend of the Undertaker like he did so many other legends. Orton would continue to taunt The Undertaker for weeks, including tricking him using his own father. Would the streak end at Wrestlemania.
  • The final match was the first ever “Money in the Bank” match. Hung high above the ring was a briefcase with a World Title contract. The person who has the briefcase can cash the briefcase at any time to get a free World Championship match.

Ready? Let’s go…

America, the Beautiful will be sung by WWE’s Lillian Garcia. She’s not bad…but she’s out of tune at times. Footage they show includes our jets going off to bomb other countries and WWE Diva’s “entertaining” the troops by showing up in “Sexy Santa” outfits. We get the obligatory “USA” chants.

Video package time! Oh, what fresh hell is this…a bunch of wrestlers parodying Hollywood flicks. Am I watching Wrestlemania or the Oscars. Oh, good…now we get a Gladiator spoof. Austin plays Russell Crowe’s part. Tonight, he “unleashes” hell. Too late…you already aired these clips.

We are LIVE from the Staples Center in Los Angeles “HOLLYWOOD”!!!

JR and Lawler are our RAW announcers. Hugo and Carlos are back for the Spanish announcers. Cole and Tazz are our Smackdown guys.

MATCH #1: Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio
Eddie and Rey are WWE Tag Team Champions. And they’re fighting. How ya’ like that, huh? Feelin’ Wrestlemania-ready yet? Eddie comes out in his Latino Thug gimmick – a hydraulic-ridden Cadillac. Rey comes out in a Red, White and Green outfit. The match moves slow and picks up. It’s amazingly ironic that the WWE can prop up their Mexican talent by displaying their most stereotypical and worst traits while, at the same time, run ads showing JBL “hunting” illegal immigrants near the Texas border and then showing America as “the home of the free”. Eddie has Mysterio in a surfboard and hits a side suplex. Then Eddie tries some hamstring stretch. This match is freakin’ glacial at this point. Eddie is better than this. I know because of last year’s match against Angle. Here, he just kinda limps through things. He puts Rey in the STF. Then a Hammerlock. Rey gets out but Eddie shifts his balance so that Rey flips and falls over him. Eddie tries a powerbomb but Rey converts into a nice, slow arm drag, tossing Eddie out of the ring. He hits a Corkscrew Splash over the top rope. Rey kicks Eddie and tosses him back in the ring. Rey hits the Senton in the head but runs into Eddie’s elbow. Eddie picks Rey up and tries for the Three Amigos but Rey hits a roll-up and gets two. Eddie hits a backbreaker and two. Eddie goes for Three Amigos again and hits two of them but Rey nails him with a Hurricarana and misses the 619. Backbreaker by Eddie and two. Another attempt at Three Amigos. He does it. Eddie to the top for the Frog Splash and misses. The ref counts. Rey gets a roll-up…1…Eddie turns it over…1…2…kick-out. Rey kicks Eddie twice then flips off his shoulders! 619! Rey is having trouble getting up. His mouth his bleeding. Rey hits his finisher but EDDIE CATCHES HIM! POWERBOMB! 1…2…KICK OUT! Wow! Rey hits the Hurricarana! He gets the pin!
WINNER: Rey Mysterio via Hurricarana
GRADE: Decent match. Give it a B+ to start.

Post-match, Eddie looks shocked. Rey celebrates. Rey back into the ring and looks at Eddie who looks dejected. Rey shakes Eddie’s hand and leaves.

  • Eddie would continue to feud with Rey Mysterio for most of the next year and then with Batista. The WWE was ready to make Guerrero the new World Heavyweight Champion but he wouldn’t have that chance…in November of 2005, Guerrero was found unconscious in his hotel room in Minneapolis, Minnesota. His nephew, Chavo, was there to attempt CPR and called the paramedics. But when the EMT’s got there, they pronounced Eddie dead at the scene. Autopsy results revealed that Eddie died of acute heart failure brought upon by arteriosclerotic cardiovascular disease. Guerrero was at peak physical fitness, working out each day and exercising. There were no drugs in his system, according to preliminary reports. The following episodes of RAW and Smackdown were tribute episodes and wrestlers wore armbands with Eddie’s initials on them. TNA and Ringo of Honor also had tribute episodes. The very next year, Eddie Guerrero was inducted, posthumously, into the WWE Hall of Fame by Rey Mysterio, Chris Benoit, and his nephew, Chavo. His wife, Vickie, accepted in his honor. In 2007, Sports Illustrated ran a story about steroids in sports and reported that the WWE was one of the worst steroid offenders in recent history. Several wrestlers were named in the investigative report — including Guerrero. Steroids, however, have not been ruled as the cause of death, ALTHOUGH steroids have been known to cause the issues that Eddie would die of. Eddie Guerrero was only 38 years old.

Backstage, JBL walks with his cabinet and bumps into Ric Flair and Triple H. Triple H says, “Hey, look…it’s the ‘wrestling GOD’…what a joke.” JBL says that wrestling gods don’t lose and he says he’s the only champ in the sports who has “never lost”. He says he’s gonna beat Cena and he guarantees it. Triple H says to keep telling himself he’s “good” as well as others and maybe SOMEBODY will believe him. JBL says he IS that good. HHH says that he’ll see who’s still champ at the end of the night. Ric Flair gets in Orlando Jordan’s face and says, “WOO!”

Meanwhile, Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider are at ringside. How fitting. Two idiots who make complete bullshit on screen are here to watch complete bullshit in a ring.

Jim Ross, by the way, calls them “Hollywood’s biggest stars”. I’ll let that sink in for a moment…

MATCH #2: Chris Jericho vs. Chris Benoit vs. Christian (w/ Tyson Tomko) vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Edge vs. Kane in Money in the Bank
The match is a free for all with a ladder. What’s not to like. Jericho’s hair was particularly fluffy-looking here. I guess he was going for that 90’s-rocker look. Christian hits a nice splash off the top turnbuckle followed by Shelton Benjamin hitting a flipping splash. Then freakin’ Kane taking out EVERYONE from the top rope. Kane goes and gets a ladder and gets to the center of the ring. Jericho and Christian interfere. Jericho goes to set the ladder up but then clocks Benjamin with it, then Edge. Then he just drops the ladder on top of Edge and Benoit hits a HUGE German Suplex WITH the ladder. The ladder flies outside. Benoit climbs the ladder and Kane stops him with a choke. Benoit puts him in the Crossface. Then Benoit does it to Edge. I’d say that he’s doing it wrong but Benoit did it wrong constantly. Kane smashes the ladder on Benoit’s arm. Edge spears Kane. Christian grabs a ladder. So does Edge. Both of them crush Kane with ladders. Nice teamwork. Benji comes in and flying clotheslines Edge and Christian. He tries a Crescent kick but misses. He dropkicks but hits Christian. Edge sets a ladder in the corner and whips Benji into it. Edge ready to spear him but Benji catches him and sends him, face-first, into the ladder. Benji sets up the ladder again and rams Edge’s body into it. Benji charges and hits a Stinger Splash in the corner. Well…that’s about as close to Sting as the WWE is gonna get. Edge flies outside. He climbs up. Nobody in to stop him. Jericho comes in next and beats Benji. Another ladder in and Christian climbs. Now Benoit in. Here comes Edge, he sets one up. Edge climbs. Lawler: “This is like Open House at Home Depot!” Heh. Benoit and Christian are thrown off. Jericho next. Edge grabs Benji and punches him. The two trade punches and BENJI HITS A POWERSLAM OFF THE TOP OF THE LADDER! Jericho gets up and gets to the ladder and climbs up. Christian sets up a ladder but Jericho IMMEDIATELY grabs him and knocks him down. Jericho climbs and the crowd is kinda silent for a moment like this. Jericho reaches up…BENJI OUTTA NOWHERE! RUNS UP THE LADDER AND CLOTHESLINES JERICHO OFF THE TOP!!! HOLY SHIT!!! We see a replay from above and King says “I love it…that’s like our Wyle E. Coyote camera!” LOL…Kane outta nowhere beats Benji as he hits the top. Kane chokeslams him then Tyson in and he boots Kane. He sets up a ladder and picks up Christian. He places him on the ladder. Christian climbs with his help but Kane interferes and clotheslines Tomko. Kane battles him on the ladder then jumps down, says, “fuck this” and tips the ladder over, sending Christian out to the outside. Kane climbs and gets to the top but Jericho is there, punching at Kane. Jericho pulls at the ladder, using his weight and both men go down. Damn. Ruh-roh! Here comes Krissy “The Killer” Benoyt! He goes to the top of the ladder, like ten feet up and hits a Flying Headbutt on Kane. The idiot opened up the stitched-up wound on his head and is twitching now. Fucking idiot. Benny-wah climbs the ladder and Kane sits up and goes after Benoit. Kane chokes Benoit and breaks free. Kane flies down toward the ring. He grabs at the briefcase but Edge ends that shit real quick, hitting him with the chair. Edge climbs and grabs the case. He wins.
WINNER: Edge
GRADE: Ladder matches are always fun but a B- due to Benji practically disappearing. The match isn’t much of a fight after awhile and just feels like people waking up to climb a ladder.

    • Christian would leave the WWE later in the year and wrestle with TNA. He would return to the WWE in 2009.

 

  • Tomko would leave the WWE next year. For the next two years, he split his time between Japanese wrestling and TNA. He would return to the WWE in 2008 but leave in 2009. He would return to TNA again but leave in 2010. In 2011, Tomko was arrested for robbing a CVS pharmacy of 210 tablets of Oxycodone. Tomko then took the pills to a local Chili’s, crushed and melted three quarters of the medication and INJECTED THEM into his body. He would sit there, in a Chili’s restroom, high as a kite for the next 40 fucking minutes. Ten days later, Tomko would post bail and enter a WWE-sponsored rehab program.

We get an ad for a DVD showing “Andre the Giant’s Greatest Matches”. No offense…but Andre didn’t have many of those so the DVD cannot be that long…

Suddenly, out of fucking nowhere, it’s Eugene, a wrestler who is pretty much mentally challenged. He comes out and gets on mic. Listening to Eugene speak about Wrestlemania is like listening to a child discuss how the space program works. Out comes Hassan who is Arab and, because of that, a terrorist character because ‘Murica! Hassan says he’s been excluded from Wrestlemania and calls Eugene a disgrace. Hassan’s idiotic manager yells something in Arabic. They attack Eugene and stomp a mudhole in him. Suddenly, fucking Hulk Hogan out of nowhere. They beat on him too.

I wish I could stop reporting there.

Hogan no-sells, throws Hassan around. Boot to face. Toss out of ring. Hassan’s assistant hits Hogan with a chair. Hogan no-sells like he’s always done in his career. Then boots him and tosses him from the ring.

Then he poses for 10 minutes for no reason. I’m in fucking hell. I just know it.

Is there a grade I could give right now that’s worse than an “F”?

    • Nicholas Dinsmore, AKA “Eugene”, would act like a dumbass in the WWE for two more years before wrestling independently.

 

    • Mark Copani, AKA “Hassan”, was released the same year due to his lame, stereotypical gimmick. He’s only made one appearance since then due to the nature of his idiotic gimmick. In this day and age, with the gung-ho, violently-Jingoistic crowd that Vince has raised, WHY, WHY, WHY would you create a TERRORIST CHARACTER?! Sometimes, I wonder if Vince McMahon has lost his fucking mind.

 

  • Daivari was sent back to development for “repacking”. Did McMahon learn his lesson? Did he create a good character as a way of reaching out to his Middle Eastern audiences? No. He put a Keffiyeh on his head and dubbed him “Sheik Daivari”, made him rant in Persian, and carry an Iranian flag. Anyhow, he left the WWE in 2007 and wrestled independently as well as with TNA. He currently splits his time to do independent factions and also wrestles with Ring of Honor.

“That was COOL!” — Tazz, after doing 15 shots, presumably.

We get a lead-up promo of Orton vs. Undertaker.

MATCH #3: Undertaker vs. Randy Orton
Monks are out, surrounding the ring with torches. Undertaker is out first and he “floats” to the ring. In reality, he’s being slowly rolled to the ring on a little foot cart and you can’t see it because it’s covered in fog but that’s clever. Orton comes out next. He seems so much more aged now that I see him here. The match is your typical Undertaker match. It’s all Undertaker until about midway through after he hits “Old School”. And, right on schedule, a big boot is missed and Orton drives him out of the ring. Orton punches him and then picks him up, tossing him back into the ring. Orton punches him then hits him again. Undertaker starts to punch back. Orton just clotheslines him and gets a two-count. Undertaker with a sidewalk slam and a kick-out by Orton. Taker tosses Orton into the corner and hits two HUGE clotheslines. Orton into the corner again and then hits Snake Eyes. Orton hits a flying elbow but a two-count by Orton. Orton with a delayed punch and keeps doing it. Undertaker does his Deadman Sit-Up and Orton starts to punch again. A loud “RANDY SUCKS” chant is heard and Undertaker starts trading punches with Orton. Orton goes into a clothesline but Taker ALSO hits a Clothesline and knocks Orton down. Orton hits the Dragon Sleeper. Orton wakes and Orton hits the DDT. Cover but Undertaker kicks out. Orton with a Sleeper on the mat. Taker gets out of it and Orton gets another sleeper after reversing an Irish Whip. Taker, however, counters with a Side Suplex. Taker to his feet and gets up. Orton up, too. Orton rushes him in the corner but Undertaker hits a boot, then goes off the ropes but Orton powerslams him. He butts Undertaker’s head into the buckle, then climbs and punches him. Taker catches him and goes for the Last Ride but Orton counters. Taker shoves him into the ref. Taker goes for ANOTHER Last Ride but Orton punches him on the way down. Out of nowhere, Bob Orton comes in and clocks Taker with his arm cast! Then puts his son’s arm over Taker’s chest, wakes the ref and leaves…1…2…NO! Taker sits up and punches Orton. The ref is out of sorts again. Bob Orton climbs back up to the mat and tells his son to toss Taker into his cast. Taker tosses Randy who reverses and BOOTS BOB ORTON! Orton tries to punch Taker and CHOKESL–OMG! Orton hits an RKO on the way down! WOW! 1…2…KICK OUT! Undertaker puts his shoulder up! Orton calls for the Tombstone! He picks up Taker but Taker reverses and Tombstones Orton! 1…2…3.
WINNER: The Undertaker via Tombstone
GRADE:  B- match just because it was so glacial for the longest time but well-worked. Undertaker is now 13-0 at Wrestlemania.

We get a lead-up promo for Trish vs. Christy Hemme. Really? Somebody PLEASE explain why we’re getting a lead-up story refresher for a 3 to 4 minute match…? Anybody? Bueller?

MATCH #4: Christy Hemme (challenger) (w/ Lita) vs. Trish Stratus (champion) for the WWE Women’s Championship
Christy out first, then Trish. Lita looks like she had her boobs done. That will add about four more pounds to the ring. Trish shoves Christy. Then has her outside the ring and lightly shoves her into the ring steps. Great match so far. Such intensity and heart. Hemme into the corner. Flair chop by Trish. Another one. Then Trish skips around and nearly hits a Chick Kick and Hemme kicks her in the vagina. Trish sells it like she has testicles. Trish slaps Christy three times then poses. Trish and Lita trade insults. Trish charges Hemme but Hemme does the splits and rolls up Trish for two. Trish hits a Spinebuster or something like it. Then she kicks Hemme out of the ring. Trish kicks Hemme and Trish goes in the ring, back out and attacks Lita, then rolls Hemme back in. Hemme rolls Trish up for two. Christy starts kicking Trish. Another kick. Then she uses Trish’s hair to ram Trish’s head into the buckle. Then she uses it to shove Trish, then hits The Twist of Fate for two. Hemme punches Trish. Trish rolls up Hemme. Hemme rolls up Trish for two. Chick Kick and Trish gets the pin and win
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Trish Stratus via Chick Kick
GRADE: D-. Utter shit. Or “shite” for my UK readers…if I have any to being with. A bit of a sidenote here: If it isn’t obvious already, I am a huge fan of Scott Keith’s “Scott’s Blog of Doom”. The formatting of the reviews on my site are inspired by the site. My writing and grades are my own. I was mainly inspired, very early on, by the incredible DDT Digest. Thus, SMARK Blog. Anyhow, Scott goes on to say something I agree with to this day and I only feel it necessary to point out because I keep getting people who criticize me for hating on the Divas so much. Scott, in his review for this match, said, Oh, the Diva Search.  Source of so much ill will and terrible workers.  It also marked an important turning point where the entire division switched from finding women who could be trained to work matches to finding women who were willing to pose naked and might possibly do a match eventually.”

  • Christy Hemme would leave the WWE after Wrestlemania and, briefly, join their Ohio Wrestling developmental league. She was released the same year. She currently wrestles with TNA. She is a musician and avid motorcyclist.

Lead-up promo time for Kurt Angle and Shawn Michaels.

MATCH #5: Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels
Michaels out first. Angle out second. After you watch the skill exhibited in this match, keep in mind: BOTH OF THESE MEN JOBBED TO FUCKING HULK HOGAN. Just thought I would get that outta the way before I continued. The match starts out with the brawling and then becomes a battle of roll-ups and submissions before Kurt Angle lifts Michaels up and the both of them engage in an exchange of two counts before Michaels hits another headlock. Finally, Angle tries for an Ankle Lock but Michaels escapes and clotheslines Angle from the ring. The brawl continues outside then shifts back inside. Ugh…Angle puts Michaels into a body scissors. Flair chops in the corner by Michaels. Then Angle hits a B2B Suplex. Then he celebrates. Angle hits another belly to belly and gets two. Chinlock by Angle…I know that Angle and Michaels know HOW to use submission moves…it doesn’t mean they SHOULD do them. The two exchange punches. If it seems like nothing has happened, a lot has, I’m just condensing this one. Honestly, you’ll thank me. There’s, like, fifteen minutes of submission moves. Angle tries for a suplex off the ropes but Michaels knocks him off. He goes off the top rope and misses his elbow drop. Angle is ready for the Angle Slam. Michaels gets up. He misses and Michaels counters before throwing Angle over the top rope. Michaels hits a kick off the top rope to the outside. Angle tries for a German Suplex off the mat to the outside but Michaels won’t let it happen and tries to counter with some elbows. Then he hits a low blow with his foot. He springboards to Angle who is on the announce table and hits a splash…but the table doesn’t collapse…and that would have been so much more impressive. Both men back in the ring, trade punches, then Michaels gets the upper hand. Angle tosses Michaels into the ropes and he comes back with a clothesline and goes down…then flips up. He punches Angle, hits an Atomic Drop and a clothesline. Body slam…Michaels goes to the top rope…elbow drop. And then he sets up for Sweet Chin Music. Angle gets to his feet. SCM…but Angle catches it and HITS THE ANKLE LOCK! Michaels is trying to get to the ropes. Michaels escapes…but Angle twists the Ankle Lock again…Michaels FINALLY gets to the ropes. Angle lets go. Angle with an Angle Slam, Michaels counters…ANKLE LOCK! NO! Michaels rolls him up! 1…2…NO!!! Sweet Chin Music! MISSES! Angle Slam!!! 1…2…KICK OUT!!! Michaels kicks out. Holy crap…Angle up to the top rope…Moonsault…MISSES…Michaels is still down and unconscious. He gets up and goes to the top rope but Angle JUMPS UP AND HITS A SUPER ANGLE SLAM!!! 1…2…KICK OUT!! WOW! Michaels kicks out! Angle is frustrated. He grabs Michaels and yells in his face. Michaels, OUT OF NOWHERE – SWEET CHIN MUSIC!!! Holy shit…both men are down…the ref is looking at both and finally, Michaels crawls to Angle…a cover…for two. Michaels is STILL out. Finally, he wobbles up to his feet. Angle grabs his foot…ANKLE LOCK!!! He fights and kicks at Angle TWICE but Angle won’t let go! He drags Michaels away from the ropes! Michaels keeps leaping at the ropes, then Angle weighs him down with his entire body…Michaels tries and tries and tries…wow…he is NOT tapping…then, finally…Michaels reaches up and is about to tap! Then he doesn’t…he reaches for the ropes…and he finally taps…wow…what a match.
WINNER: Kurt Angle via Ankle Lock
GRADE: A-. Holy shit. There are some days I am convinced that Vince is bi-polar. He books incredible matches like this, and then turns around and does matches like the one following this one.

Post-match, Angle celebrates. I don’t know how he stays a heel. He would make a great face but I think the crowd loves him no matter what. He leaves. Michaels tries to get to his feet and the crowd applauds. Michaels applauds back. He leaves the ring and blows kisses.

King and JR talk about the match and both cannot believe what a match they just saw.

Oh, god…a Basic Instinct parody with Benoit and Jericho as the detectives and Stacy Keibler as Sharon Stone…can we move on please? It’s nearly vindicated by Christian straightening his tie at the end and saying, “I love you…”…and then, it’s immediately fucked to hell by Mae and Moolah spreading their legs like Stone did.

Rowdy Roddy Piper is here for Piper’s Pit.

Piper thanks the fans for the Hall of Fame induction. He asks who the biggest badass in the WWE. The crowd tells him and Piper says, “BULLSHIT!!!” Always the rebel…he brings out Stone Cold…oh, the needless filler…Austin picks up a stool and tosses it out. He grabs a mic. Piper picks up a stool and tosses it, too. Suddenly, I have an overwhelming desire to see these two fight. Piper says, “So, YOU’RE the ‘rebel’, huh? Welcome to Piper’s Pit!” Then he slaps Austin. Austin says “Thanks for having me, you little summa bitch!” Then slaps him back. Piper laughs it off. Austin asks if he’d like another. Piper just laughs and says that they’ve gotten that out of the way. The crowd keeps saying “WHAT” after everything Piper says and he makes fun of them and tells them, “Try to keep up…” Piper says he was pissing McMahon off when the red on the back of Austin’s neck was diaper rash. Piper says that Austin and James Dean have NOTHING on him. Austin says he doesn’t trust anyone, even Piper. Austin says he’s not impressed or intimidated by Piper. He says that Piper doesn’t scare him. Piper says that there’s a failure to communicate here. Carlito comes out to insult Piper and Austin. Carlito says the two of them have one thing in common: neither of them is “cool” or “good”. Frankly, I don’t care what he said. He says everyone wants to see Carlito. Austin says to get in the ring. Piper says Carlito looks like Alfalfa. Carlito says he is the new thing around here and that he’s taking charge. He would appreciate it if Piper and Austin would walk to the back. Austin clarifies and so does Piper. Carlito says if they have a problem with that…and Piper takes his apple and says he has a problem with that, then eats it. He spits it at Carlito. Then he tosses it. Carlito attacks Piper. Austin pulls Carlito off Piper and stomps a mudhole in him in the corner. Piper hits an eye poke. Austin with a Stunner. Piper tosses him from the ring. Austin gets some beers and the two celebrate together before Austin hits Piper with a Stunner and leaves. C+ filler. I’ve had just about enough of Austin who Vince only seems to drag back out for the buy-rate.

FUUUUUUUCK. They show another “trailer”.

We get an add for Backlash.

MATCH #6: Akebono vs. Big Show in a Sumo Match
The crowd is dead-silent…good thing the WWE has a sumo match booked to fire them up. Big Show is out next. The crowd wakes up somewhat. Big Show is in full Sumo garb. I’m impressed. This is pretty neat looking. You can tell that the crowd is really mature about this when they express disgust and shock when the wrestlers disrobe. The start of the match takes fucking forever. We start and the two men really match up well and Show keeps his balance. Finally, Akebono turns and Show goes out of the ring to win the match.
WINNER: Akebono
GRADE: Filler level: D- (THIS is what you came up with? No offense, but with the time that was taken with Piper and Sumo, you could have had a WWE United States Championship Match) Sumo level: B+ (Not too bad.)

Post-match, Show nods and shows respect for Akebono. He shakes hands with Akebono and Show raises his hand in victory. The two high-five.

  • Akebono was a great sumo wrestler back in the day. He retired prior to this. Something tells me he’s not working his way up but the dude deserves some fun. Anyhow, he wrestles in Japan now. 🙂

Lead-up promo for Cena/JBL.

MATCH #7: John “Bradshaw” Layfield (champion) vs. John Cena (challenger) for the WWE Championship
It takes eight years for JBL to get to the ring. He has a police escort and his entourage plus the place rains 100 dollar Bradshaw bills. Cena out next. Boy, they pushed Cena fast. Two years and he’s held two titles. The match is a Hogan match and one of the most boring in WWE history. After 9 minutes of pretty much nothing at all, JBL chops and punches Cena, then hits a Superplex. OMG. That’s the best move so far. I mean, really. What the holy hell. Kick out of a two count pin. JBL up to the top rope and Cena hits a Power Scoop Slam. Or something. Wow…this is fucking dull. Both men are down. Cena finally begins to fight back and hits a series of clotheslines, then a back drop. Shoulderblock. A running hip toss. Side slam. Cena calls for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Hits it. Calls for the FU. JBL rushes but Cena counters, hits the FU and…gets the pin? Wow. Cena is the new champ.
WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: John Cena via FU
GRADE: F. Wow. The most DULL Championship match I have EVER seen. THIS was the culmination of all that build-up and hate and anger at JBL?! Fuck. I mean, this is one of the worst matches in WWE history. You had a chance to make this special – The Cabinet running in, multiple two-counts, multiple finishers, JBL cheating…ANYTHING…you could have made this Austin vs. The Corporation…and you get Hulk Hogan vs. Sgt. Slaughter a’la Wrestlemania VII?

Another Hall of Fame promo filler.

Okerlund brings out the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2005: Nikolai Volkoff, The Iron Sheik, Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff, Cowboy Bob Orton, “Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart, Rowdy Roddy Piper, and Hulk Hogan. Can he pose again for 17 minutes? Oh, can he? Please?

  • Hogan is a fucking egomaniac. Not only did he not sufficiently put anybody over but as he was exiting from the WWE, he threw both Eddie and Chavo Guerrero under the bus as well as Sabu and the Big Show, stating that the first part of the Summerslam ’06 card “sounded like a funeral” and “was a funeral”. Then he claims that the crowd only loved HIS match with Randy Orton only to go “silent” afterward. Then he claims the crowd “started leaving”. He went on to state that his paycheck was “like one of his driver’s paychecks”. When he went to Vince McMahon, McMahon stated, simply, that Hogan was “not the big guy anymore”. Hogan whined that HIS match was the loudest and best of the night and because of that, he deserved more money and, THEN, insinuated that he was the ONLY big guy. UN. GRATEFUL. FUCK. HEAD. The Big Orange Roid Monster wouldn’t really wrestle anymore and wouldn’t job to anybody because he’s a selfish asshole. So he made sporadic appearances where he would save somebody from a beatdown and then take all the credit and pose like an idiot for 20 minutes straight while the crowd wet themselves in delusional admiration. After continuing to hog the spotlight in the WWE (fucking Kurt Angle, Carlito, Shawn Michaels and Randy Orton would even JOB TO HOGAN), Hogan would go on to sign with TNA in 2009 and stay there until 2013, booking matches to make himself look good and hogging the spotlight. TNA’s ratings are in the fucking toilet because of him. Also, he cheated on his wife which threw him into a divorce. Hulk Hogan can go to hell. He’s one of the worst, most egomaniacal wrestlers I have ever seen. And he would return to the WWE as a host for Wrestlemania XXX in 2014.

We get a teaser for Wrestlemania 22.

Promo lead-in for Perpetual Champion Triple H/Batista.

If we haven’t seen enough, King and JR analyze the upcoming match…c’mon, guys, this ain’t ESPN – just start the fuckin’ match.

Oh, christ…Motorhead is back to sing. Do we have to have a goddamn LIVE version? Lemmy’s heart isn’t in this one. People can tell me “that’s just the way Lemmy sings” but, dude, he’s mumbling through the lyrics, which I know the song has. He could have said, “It’s all about the Mayo…and how you use it…I spread it on my bread when I make my ham sammitch…” and you wouldn’t have known the difference.

MATCH #8:  Triple H (champion) (w/ Ric Flair) vs. Batista (challenger) for the World Heavyweight Champion
HHH is out first, rockin’ out with Mumblin’ Motorhead. This entrance takes forever. Batista is out next. They glare at each other for way too long like Goldberg and Lesnar. Then they lock up forever…like Goldberg and Lesnar. Another long-ass lock-up. Then another shove. Another two lock-ups and a shoulder-block. The crowd is so fired up, they talk really loud. Some of them text their friends about plans this weekend and a few of them even shout. Early Pedigree but a counter and Gorilla Press by Batista. Batista hits a huge back body drop. Batista is outside and Flair taunts him. HHH rams his face into the steel steps. The crowd is so excited, they take a break to go to the snack bar. HHH brings Batista back in and HHH chokes him. Then Flair screws with him while the crowd yells “WOO!” HHH rams Batista, back-first, into the barrier, then into the mat. An elbow into Batista’s back. Then a punch. Then a knee. Then another. He hits another punch and knee. Triple H hits a suplex and covers for two. The crowd looks up from their video iPods for a moment, then go back to their movies. Sidewalk Slam. HHH says “get up”. Flair chokes Batista. This is nWo-style booking right here. Batista tries to battle back but HHH uses the top rope to send him outside. Jesus…JR says “this is a deliberate pace”…yeah, uh-huh. Finally, at the ten-minute mark, Batista mounts an offense…that is, until HHH hits a Spinebuster for two. Three two-counts, actually, breaking the record of two-counts in Cena vs. JBL. Batista backdrops HHH now and goes for the body drop and a Facebuster by the Game to retaliate. Ugh…man, this is dragging. HHH up to the top rope. HHH goes for a double axehandle but Batista counters with a clothesline. Sidewalk slam and a two count by Batista. JR sells this as: “Sidewalk Slam…SIDEWALK SLAM!” as if this is a signature finishing move by Batista. HHH tries an Irish Whip and Batista reverses, tossing HHH out of the ring. Batista goes for the turnbuc–oh, no, he doesn’t. I’m just teasing. He walks SLOOOOWLY out to HHH but then HHH tosses him into the ring steps because we haven’t had the requisite amount of Main Event steel step abuse. A Pedigree but Batista counters and slingshots HHH into the ringpost. Holy shit. HHH is busted open and blood, I’m not kidding, is dripping, LITERALLY DRIPPING, from his face. Then he slams HHH’s face into the ring steps. HHH is bleeding BAD. HHH slowly gets in the ring. Batista slowly walks in, makes a sandwich, raises his fist, grabs a Gatorade, lowers his fist to punch, takes a bite, and punches HHH. Then he kicks HHH down. Then Batista just stands there, hands on his hips. Batista puts HHH into the corner and clotheslines him. Another corner run and clothesline. HHH is oozing blood all over the mat. Fuck, did he knick a vein? Batista knees him in the corner. Then he hits a huge clothesline on HHH. HHH begs off, bleeding to death. Batista picks him up on his shoulder and hits a powerslam. Two count. HHH goes to the announce table, bleeding all over it. Batista beats Flair. HHH grabs a chair but the ref stops him. Batista attacks and then puts HHH back in the ring. HHH is begging off. Flair comes in with the belt and Batista hits a Spinebuster. Then he just fucking stands there. The ref shoves Flair out. HHH suddenly grabs the belt and covers. Close two-count and the crowd finally fucking wakes up. The cheating is so out-of-control, it’s a wonder Hulk Hogan isn’t here to help out. Spinebuster by Batista but HHH hits a low blow. HHH is out on his feet. He wobbles around and goes for a Pedigree. Batista doesn’t let him hit it. He uses his weight and Batista doesn’t budge. HHH looks confused like he can’t get his car to start. Batista turns it over and hits some sort of Body Drop Slam. Batista goes Ultimate Warrior on the ropes and then calls for the Batista Bomb. That’s that.
WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Batista via Batista Bomb.
GRADE: C-. Sorry. This sucked ass. The finish is too little, too late. I’m sick of Triple H being the center of every single main event or being champion of something for the last five years.

Post-match, Batista celebrates and roars in HHH’s face as Flair comforts him outside.

Overall, a decent event. I’d give it a B+ even though the two main events were shoddy.

‘Til next time!

— Matt

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